Two years have passed so far and the Lord was helping me and disciplining me. Before that, I was just a human bound with evil and thrown in its deepest pit. Ever since I was a child i suffered from evil for I was sexually molested. Moreover, I grew up during war times and my country Lebanon was collapsing.. and I was collapsing along. At home, i used to feel so lonely, usual and weird. At the age of 4, I lost my father and didn’t have the chance to know him well. Oh how often I threw myself over his bed, hoping he’d come and embrace me, wishing I’d be able to cry out and express the fear, terror and unease I felt toward my defiled body. How I needed to express how disturbed my mind was as I was so ignorant of my situation.
I’ve always blamed him and would shout out at him: why did you abandon me?! Why didn’t you protect me from the sufferings and the dilemmas I am enduring now?! Where is the sweet innocence of childhood?! What has become of my masculinity?! Where has love gone?! Why did affection and tenderness disappear?! Where are you dad??!!!
I always felt like an alien, not only at home but at school and in the streets too, where loud filthy belittling and dishonoring words chased and stalked me: sissy, gay, b***h…
Their voices bulldozed all that was left of my pride. My most basic rights were raped and snatched from me.
While the others were playing, having fun and enjoying their life at school, I sat alone, aching, feeling much too older than my colleagues
Years and years passed yet I never found myself comfortable in my skin. On the inside, wars were raging between my body of man and a voice that would whisper saying: if you want to feel strong again, just allow me to erase your image and change you into the image that would satisfy you.
I underwent costmetic surgeries and I let my hair grow long. I gave myself up to dreams and illusions. I laboured for fame and money and became obsessive with perfection. I became so proud and arrogant as I achieved success in the world of Fashion. I danced in night clubs, drank too much alcohol and engaged myself in filthy relationships.
I thought I was reaching happiness and fulfillment but I was wrong. I only got completely lost in a worse and more hideous maze. All were but illusions and fantasies. I was evermore tormented.
I could not find rest and nothing was able to ease the scars of physical and emotional abuse caused by repeated hitting and usage of damaging and painful words done by my relatives.
Nothing won the war against my unbearable memories.
I helplessly searched for the love that I lacked in the midst of all of this yet, still, i only got used and abused. As I met people who suffered harder lives, my torment only grew deeper and wider and all my desperate tries got me to the same failures. My artificial beauty and my red nights did not bring me happiness.
Until one day, I met a woman who later on became a friend. She preached the Good News to me and told me that all my sorrows and sins could be washed away and that Jesus Christ alone could save and erase it all.
Then I was told what happened at Creation: God created man into His image. He created them man and woman and He blessed them and commanded them to multiply and fill the earth.
This is when I understood that I was a rebel and that I was fighting along with Satan against the will of God, firstly by changing my physical image into a third gender that God did not create, and secondly by going against procreation and childbearing as they are impossible except between one man and one woman. Two women or two men only got their children by asking one man and one woman to create them for them.
I then felt a need to know more about God through the Holy Bible and I found the truth:
I had to be born again. And being born again meant that I would ask God to renew me at heart and recreate me, forgive my sins and transgressions, and grant me back my masculinity and my sound thinking and mind.
Overwhelmed by this wonderful news, I asked God to forgive and change me into the man He created me to be.
Ever since, my life became so different: my days are filled with rest, I enjoy the true peace in my mind and soul, and the true joy of the Lord wraps me.
Thank You Lord Jesus for allowing me to find You. Thank You for pulling me out of the pit of destruction.
May all glory, might, majesty, worship and praise be Yours forever because You alone are worthy.
I love you Jesus
Ex: Facebook: Antoine Bou Ezz
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